Monday, November 7, 2011

The Velveteen Writer


First, listen to this (a newer, hipper version):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHkmLEhFq44



I've an idea in my head, but no way to begin.  Ever go through that?  Oh, yeah.  That doesn't stop after the cap and gown day, kiddos.

Rough transition it is then.  I have another blog that I write that is not as difficult, mainly because I do not have to consistently pause and ask myself things, like "is this academic enough?" "is this inappropriate?"  "what are my intended learning outcomes?"  "will I offend that sweet kid?"

No, no.  The other blog has my cultural fingerprints all over it: my religion, my Southern-ness, my rebellious nature, my sentimentality.  Of course, it's a truer voice.  Less manipulative.  More raw.  More important?  I doubt it.  But decidedly more therapuetic to write.  (And yes, Zeke.  I am real :)

This is not to say that a blog written for a class called "Topics in Writing" isn't pertinent, or real, or fun.  Quite the contrary.  I believe that some of you will go on to get a graduate degree and will need to get much more philosophical in your writing in order to excel.  Others of you will go on to be teachers of writing and will need to ask more of your students than the smooth production of the five paragraph essay.  But . . . how can I help you, really?  If this were the last class I ever taught, what do I need to share about writing?  No pressure, right?

And so, I think I am snagged on a qualitative issue, one that I have been trying to solve by weighing out writing skills against things like paychecks, career advancements, and accolades.  So snagged, in fact, that I am prepared to ditch all of that for something, well, more "real."  

I have read thousands of books, written several published articles, and have even slogged my way through some neatly composed essays that I personally abhorred for an A.  And yet?  A piece of writing from my youth continually haunts me.  
"You become. . . That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."  The Velveteen Rabbit
Real.  What does that mean to writing?  Should we even care, for when we can craft elegantly posed thesis statements and perfectly cited essays, all in hopes of that elusive A, is that all?  Is nothing more required of us?  Of course, I want you all to hone your craft.  Become "skillful."  But, if in the journey you do not find yourself, if on the way you forget why you fancy words and books so very much, if at the end all you have is a decent job but have lost the joy of making magic with a pen, then . . . well, then your hair has not been loved decently off.
  It is Friday, and we have talked of warrants, voice, writing tools like dashes, and have peer reviewed and shown up to class on time.  But, today, this time, just once . . .
 Let's write something for the sheer joy of it.  Push ourselves to create something real.  Here's a bit from me, your very real teacher.
I was the granddaughter of a Cherokee medicine woman and only ten years old, swathed in my mother's white organza scarves and twirling in the pines.  "Dancing in the Moonlight" swelled from my am/fm radio and drove golden sparks of fireflies over my fingers as if I had called them into being, called their little bodies into a dance with summer and sweat and innocence.  It was 1976, and my feet were stained red by Alabama clay, my heart broken by divorce, and my voice was still unscarred by thirty years of smoking.  And I danced, and dreamed, and twirled under a burnished dusk sky.  Part of me is still there, orchestrating fireflies and believing that summer will never end and that daddies never leave.  Somewhere, I dance.
 I'm not going to go back over and revise this.  Because it's real.
Your turn.

34 comments:

  1. I was nine when he was taken from me. The world was a cruel place. The moment I learned that my life would be different the first thing that came into my head was his voice. I remembered all the walks we had been on – each one a gift he had given to me. I understood the concept of death, but not really the magnitude of it. What did it mean to die? I just knew I would never be able to see him again, but could not have guessed the magnitude of the feeling. I was sad because people around me were sad. It felt right to be sad, almost fitting (if there is ever a welcoming time for the feeling). I welcomed to feeling.
    However, if you asked me today why people are sad when someone dies, I still couldn’t tell you. Losing someone usually means they are going to a better place. If so, why are we not happy for them? I don’t know. What I have figured out is my justification for the way people feel after losing someone – people, at least myself, are sad because of the future, not the past. I know I WILL miss his presence more than I miss the memories we had. Creating new ones gives us something to look forward to. People tell each other to “stay strong” and “move on.” These statements perplex me. While moving on takes you away from the moment of death, it just moves you closer and closer to the memories that could have been.
    I wish life was simple. In my 19 years, I seem to have raised more questions than answers. Life and death. So abstract. Philosophy aspires to create more questions and uncertainty. I think this is what scares people. We don’t know what is going to happen. Therefore we feel sad. Losing someone to the unknown is scary. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes, but not here. Not in my nine year old, confused head.
    His name was Sebastian. I still feel his coat snuggled up next to me.

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  2. Some people are born writers. Creativity oozes out of every pore, and every moment is a story waiting to be told. Characters and plot lines meander through their subconcious, while potential stories line the margins of their notebooks. They are inspired. I am not a writer. I struggle to inject personality into my papers. I have difficulty meeting length requirements, and my words are succinct. I don't go into great detail, and my pores must be clogged because creativity has never oozed through them. Still, I do my best, crossing my fingers for that elusive "A" because failure has never been an option for me. I am not a writer, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

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  4. (1 of 2)

    As we grow, the light of whimsical nights grows smaller and dimmer in our eyes. As children we have big, bright eyes that are looking glasses peering beyond a world of material things but into the great beyond that we call imagination. The sticky Alabama summer nights laden with mosquitoes that we complain about now used to be a cool relief to our sun-soaked skin twirling with the mysterious twinkling lights of fireflies. The old rotten tree in the neighbor’s yard was not a fire hazard; it was a metropolis for nighttime creatures swimming with activity as the sun slowly set behind the horses grazing in the pasture. I would gaze, mesmerized by the bats and wonder what type of colony the fireflies had made inside that old looming oak. Looking back now I can almost feel the humidity pressing in on my skin as it settled in for the evening. But with my adulthood, has also come reality. I now know now that the pressure of the humidity I feel pounding in on my chest is actually the longing of my heart for that time when summer was merely and adventure and death was just the fairy-tale ending for the evil witch. Instead of just living life for the everyday I look to the future all to often in hopes of laying out my “five year plan”. Life gets complicated. Hearts get broken. Dreams get dashed. People die. I learned how to deal with it by teaching myself how NOT to feel. How to be the person everyone wanted me to be. I plastered the smile on my face every morning and set in on my bedside table every night in exchange for my retainer, as I would lie in bed listening to slow ballads, patiently waiting for what dreams may come that night. In dreams I could love who I wanted, hate whom I wanted, do… as I wanted. Nighttime has and always will hold the key to my heart….

    But one night something changed. I realized that I have passion. I have feelings. I have desires that burn me up from the inside out that my books and music could only sprinkle on. I needed to let myself feel passion and beauty to satiate that burning hunger that was slowly receding the light in my eyes. I finally let myself open my eyes for the first time in years… and what did I see?

    Fireflies. Everywhere.

    I was walking at midnight in the undeveloped Tuscan hills of Assisi in Italy. I was what can only be described as perfectly and incandescently happy. I had a full belly of truffle bruschetta, polenta, lamb, gelato, and the most fragrant and delicious Italian white wine that has ever touched my lips. (Undoubtedly the best meal I have ever had in my life.) But most of all I was surrounded by people who love me purely for who I am and what I bring into their lives. We were singing as we traveled deeper into the hills we knew nothing about back into the ancient city, our only lights were those of the modern city below in the valley reflecting in our glassy eyes. I let my lungs fill with cool dry Italian air that intrigued my humidity soaked southern body. I saw faces, I saw stars, and I saw what life is really all about, all in that moment.

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  5. (2 of 2)
    It didn’t occur to me that I was thousands of miles away from my slow Alabama hometown, I was home more in that moment than I ever have been before because I was a child again. I was chasing fireflies around bends in a road I had never been on before, not worried about what lied ahead. I intrigued my fellow travelers by my mysterious ability to catch fireflies by anticipating their next moves. (Little did they know my childhood summers consisted of mason jars and flashlights on the never-ending hunt for them.) But eventually, I just stood on this unpaved Italian farm road, holding a firefly in my hand whispering to it, “Italian fireflies are more blinky than American fireflies.” I was a child again. My eyes were healed by the fact that I dropped my prejudices, my inhibitions, my worries, my obligations… and I simply told that firefly exactly what I was thinking. No censorship. (Lord knows I had enough of that K-12.)

    I became real on that hill in Italy. I told myself that THIS is what life is about. Not the cars, the job, the body-structure, the achievements… but finding your true vocation on this earth. Are you here to heal or to harm? I know I am here to heal in some way. I haven’t figured that out yet, but I am not going to let my fears stop me from finding how. I am going to follow my heart and the small child in the smocked dress with the big white bow on her head bobbing up and down in the tall grass… I wasn’t afraid of the snakes that might have been hiding in the grass then, so why should I now? I want to make love. I want to make peace. I want to make I art. I want to make change. I want to make babies. But most of all, I want to make a difference. Now that I know I can bend without breaking, I see that life’s complications are what make it beautiful, your heart breaks so someone can come by and put it together, dreams are not dashed but simply replaced by better ones, and that people die so that more can be born. Emotion is a beautiful thing, don’t mask it.

    So I leave with this word of advice. Embrace the whimsy and unknown.

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  7. It was around 0330 when I was ripped out of a very serene sleep and thrown back into conciseness. It normally takes a few seconds (sometimes minutes) to realize A. That I’m awake and B. Where I’m at. This time I was at home and all I could hear was my annoying alarm. I had picked a very mellow option thinking that the pleasant sounds of a cello or harp or whatever the hell it was would wake me up gently and would calm my morning anger. But, it only made me want to punch a baby. After, I discovered that there weren't any babies around I realized my clock was set for a reason, and I summoned all of my energy and rose from my tomb. The reason I was up so early, is because I was heading to war! That’s right war, think of how I felt when they told me. At this point I had been in the Air Force for about three years and I knew a deployment was eminent I was still a little sketchy about it. Don’t get me wrong I wanted to do my part but I was still freaked out.

    I mean even though I felt completely proficient as a medic it’s still scary. I psyched myself out a lot. If someone comes in with a piece of shrapnel in their head what do I do treat for shock, stabilize the wound? How do I stabilize the wound? Oh wait is this person to far gone to even try to save, should I just leave this human being who is screaming a million words per second through their eyes which are locked on mine. Eyes which have the main theme of PLEASE don’t leave me here, I want to go home.

    By the way the answer is yes you do leave them. It’s called triage and it sucks but life sucks and you have to take your heart out of it and move on to save more.

    That morning as I was shaving in my own bathroom for the last time for a long time. I thought about what brought me to that moment. I remember being 18 years old going to the local college which was pretty much 13th grade, still living with my parents, and working two jobs. It’s pretty funny but the only reason I ended up joining the military was over a rotten experience over a few mouthfuls of the local magical fungus (for you sheltered folks that was a polite way of saying I had a bad trip on mushrooms, the hallucinogenic kind not that ones you put on top of your chicken marsala (mmm that sounds delicious)). Anyways, I don’t think that’s a story I’ll tell my children, but it made me realize I had to get out and away from where and what I was doing. My parents who had pretty much disowned me since conception (we won’t even dabble into that) had definitely cut ties with me after a handful of mug shots of myself in the local police log, and rumors of some debauchery with the former star quarterback. They couldn’t wait to have me out of the picture so my existence didn't arise during brunch bloody mary’s (that sounds good too) at the oh so exclusive country club. We wouldn’t dare want to disturb their image amongst the society they had (and still have) their heads stuck up in.

    I digress, back to that morning I had all of these thoughts flooding through my brain like a Japanese tsunami - still too soon? Oh well... I was fully packed, fully groomed, and fully freaked out, but I was ready. It took me a while to make my way through all of the bodies laying all throughout my house. Remnants of the going away party my roommate had thrown for me the night before. I left a note on the kitchen chalkboard, looked around one last time, kissed my dog, shed a tear, took a deep breath, and made my way to the plane which was going to take me to places that would change my life forever. It resulted in the biggest evolution in me personally and professionally. Everything that I had experienced up until that point did not matter, getting on that plane ended up being the first day of my life.

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  8. Why can’t we just dance away all our troubles, or sing when we have had a bad day? I have found myself to become that person who does sing everyday, whether I am singing to express my feelings of sorrow or just singing for the hell of it. I am not a great singer, though I like to think I am, my friends will surely be the first to tell me the truth and when to keep it to myself. I like to think that even though my voice can make some cringe, maybe sometimes it does help lighten a mood, or turn someone’s day around. My singing is like writing to some. I cannot express my feelings while sitting at a computer typing or with a pen and paper in my hand. From the first paper I had to write I have always dreaded English. All the pressure they put on us to acquire a certain page requirement or to get an A just to pass the class. Forgetting one little comma or using the wrong tense of a word is very unacceptable in the eyes of some teachers. All these things have contributed to my dislike in writing. Writing ten page papers on topics we don’t really care about in my opinion is not a good way to express oneself.

    Why cant writing be more like dancing or singing where you are free to do whatever you want with no boundaries. Maybe from an early start if we were allowed to write freely on topics, or do a blog where we really don’t have any boundaries, my views on writing would be different. I think that being able write your thoughts out could give you the same satisfaction of dancing or singing. How many more authors would we have if as a child we were allowed to write freely? It’s understandable there are some rules we have to follow like punctuation and the spelling of words, but being able to write freely and express oneself would feel almost like dancing or singing. Just like singing to me, writing to some may help someone forget all their troubles. I wish I could be that person who also feels that joy when I write, so when my singing annoys others I can just write.

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  9. Hmm. Reality, huh?

    What is reality, really? Well, I began to define it, but it became so convoluted after the first few sentences, that, rather than reach some masterful and concise conclusion, I achieved only befuddlement.

    So we're gonna take a different direction.

    While deciding the pseudonym with which I should label myself, I started to ask myself why I cared enough to even have a pseudonym. I mean come on now, all I gotta do is make up some bullshit response I don't care about to an article I don't care about, and in exchange, I won't have to grind out another paper. Right?

    But then what?

    Then my reality is cleaved in two: time I enjoy and time I loathe. And any time I may have gained is lost to time-lapses I wish I could simply skip.

    So why the pseudonym? I don't care for anonymity from my classmates; a pseudonym allows me to be whomever I please. It creates a reality, if only while I respond to these blogs. It creates a reality in which I can assume new personas--a reality in which I can prefer the hyper-sonic melodies of Rick Wakeman to the passionate verses of Eminem; even a reality in which I can love writing.

    Reality may be set, but who said we're allowed only one?



    And for those who have never heard the magic that is Rick Wakeman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDsvZGM1vD8&feature=fvwrel

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  10. "The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
    I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
    I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
    That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life."
    --"Broken" by Lifehouse



    I don't get it.

    Why is it that I struggle to show my real self?

    I envy those that can let creative juices flow through writing, or speech. My reality seems to be kept in music. I'm not musically talented per se, but I am so enveloped in lyrics of music to voice myself.

    Each of my posts will feature lyrics from a song describing my current emotions, something going on in my life, or my feelings about this entry; something to expose a part of myself to you all. I'm feeling vulnerable as I write this entry.

    If only my writing were as melodic and beautiful as these lyrics.

    I'd have not a care in the world.

    I've had a rough past with peers. Reality doesn't flow through me because I don't ever want someone to judge me. My exterior is rock-solid, practically impenetrable.

    You want the real me? Well here goes nothing.

    I'm a small town girl, short, active, and have the same dream every night. Why does this happen to me? The one person I want to forget and you haunt me every night. I wake with an ache in my heart every morning. But no one would know it. I rarely speak of the ghost in my mind, but it's always there. I want to let go more than anything, but I just don't know how.

    One last real thing about me. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I don't know where I would be without him. "I once was lost, but now am found" could not describe my situation more. God is my rock and gets me through each day. Jeremiah 29:11

    I might've rambled a bit on this entry. I'm hoping I can only get better from here. As I come to a close, I start to doubt my writing, maybe I should just erase and post an entry once I write something out in my mind, something I know would be "A-worthy" writing. Honestly, where is the fun in that.

    So here's to being real. Let's show "the man" just what our writing is made of. Here's to being us, letting go, and not holding back a word in our hearts. Here's to exposing our true selves through pseudonyms and this blog.

    Cheers.

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  11. If someone ever says they are not a good writer, then that just means they have never written about something that is passionate to them. True writing is something that can't be simply taught too you. True writing is something that you have too dig deep into yourself, into your heart. into your soul. Anyone can write a 5 page essay about how or why "Jack and Jill fell down a hill" but it's the passion and creativity that brings that story to life. That turns that B paper into an A paper, that turns this paper from a boring assignment that you have to do, too an inspirational, adventurous, and sometimes surprising journey through your soul and your creative side. Everyone can write a great paper, everyone can write a great book, everyone can write a story that will make the readers hair on the back of their neck stand up as they are blown away from your story. But, in order to be able to write like that, you first have to find your inner creativity, what your most passionate about. Something that you believe in so strongly that no matter what people say or think about what you wright, that your not afraid to take the gloves off and wright what your heart tells you to wright and not what your brain or other people say you should wright. Like I said, everyone is a born writer, you just have to find something that, to you, is worth writing about and to not be afraid of what you put down on that paper as you write it.

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  12. I often find myself avoiding confrontation; I agree with what is said just because I don’t want to prove them otherwise. My world is very black and white; I do what I am told, make friends, have fun and learn from mistakes. And I am happy. My life is on track. Even on days that challenge me, I find ways to end them with a smile. Depression and sadness are rarely experienced; I don’t even remember the last time I cried. When I read these posts, the talent of my peers and the way they can write so freely about their emotions interests me but I feel I am not capable of doing the same. How can I write with feeling when I don’t know how to feel?

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  13. Love and truth. It is the two things that everyone is looking for on this world. Some feel they have found it. Others don't care. Others don't know. I was one of those people who felt they had found it..in fact, I KNOW I had found it. But to experience it.. that is different. In 9th grade, I had found love and truth but it was not until the summer after that I experienced it. Experienced it in a way that shaped me and changed me forever. You might ask where did it happen? In the middle of the jungles of Ecuador.

    I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the most beautiful scene I had EVER seen. We were coming down the mountain from Quito, Ecuador heading to a distant city. Mountains and valleys rose and fell before my eyes. Waterfalls came down on multiple sides of the bus. Wild animals, cows and sheep wandered throughout. Clouds at times engulfed us, blocking everything from sight. As we trecked down the mountain, trying to take everything in, I thought to myself.. No one would say there is no God after seeing this. I was in Ecuador on my first overseas mission trip, coming to spread the love of Jesus. But I was in for a major surprise. I would be the one to experience His love in a way I never had. The people that I came to love on would love me. The people I came to serve would serve me. This country that is supposedly much poorer than my own..is in reality far richer than any part of the United States.

    My main experience took place in the middle of the jungle. This place is not on any map. However, this place changed my life. Twenty of us were packed onto the back of a truck heading into the jungle. The only sign of life being a few electric wires here and there. I had no clue what I was in for. We arrived at a "village" which was no more than a few house constructed by wood, and a bambo looking house in the middle. A soccer feild (if you can call it that) grew towards the side. We were here. My moment came when a little girl nine years old sitting in my lapped, named Diana, accepted the love of Christ into her life. I sat there thinking and have many time since that day... How can someone with nothing really believe there is a God who loves her? Don't material possessions and situations determine your beliefs a lot of times? This is when my world flipped upside down

    I realized truth. I realized love. I experienced it.

    I realized that the worldly possessions of the United States actually get in the WAY of the love of God. Ipods, Iphones, clothes, money, houses, boats, lakehouses, cars, comfort, and everything else has drowned away the love of God. Sounds crazy I know. I use to think it was crazy. Not anymore. It is reality. It is truth.

    It seems weird that it would take a nine year old in the middle of Ecuador to change the heart of a fifteen year old. That is love. She probably doesn't even realize the effect she has had on my life either. But she did it. God did it. God's love did it.

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  14. Good night. Turns out, you all have voices. You could knock me over with a feather. And: love you, Skittles.

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  15. I've never been good at expressing myself. I've never been good at telling me how I feel. This is probably why my friends think I'm stubborn and guarded (which is true SOMETIMES). Music is my expression though. Music is my escape. Music is the healer of my soul. Now I don't want this to sound like I'm a music or song writer cause I am definately not. I can barely hit a note, which is probably why my friends tell me to shut up when I sing.

    My exterior is strong. I always have a smile on my face. But sometimes behind that smile is hurt and sorrow. Behind that smile is someone that has experienced emotional abuse after emotional abuse. A person who doesn't feel good enough for anyone or anything. Someone who feel worthless (at times). A person who as hurt like they have never hurt before. Experiencing feelings never felt before.

    Music is my light. My passion. Music has never let me down. It's never told me I'm worthless or not good enough. Music is my expression. In every song there are lyrics to relate to. Music expresses my feelings better than I have could.

    Why can't writing be as easy to express my feelings as music can? Why can't it just be that easy?

    This is me. This is REAL. This is raw. This is my letting go.

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  16. Nobody said it would be easy, but they didn’t warn me that it would be this damn hard. I’m a creative person by nature. I’ve been able to finagle my way into high scoring essays and eloquence I had no idea I knew I possessed. I’ve danced. I’ve sang. Done shows. All in the attempt to release the inner diva in me. Because that diva is a miserable bitch. Expressing me has always been easy.
    But when the well runs dry, what then?
    I’ve been strong my whole life. You have to be when you’re the unwanted daughter of a drug addict that will do anything for money. And I mean anything. Growing up was not a pleasant experience. But you wouldn’t know it. How could you? We’ve all got this baggage we carry with us. It holds us back. It makes us doubt and wonder at our own strength. It hinders us. Yet, it’s comforting. It’s the reason for our mistakes. We find clever ways to hide all of our flaws, because honestly, who wants to see them.
    It makes for a good story though, does it not?
    Looking back at this…interesting trek through education, you can see where the system screws us over. In grade school, they encourage us to color outside the lines and be imaginative. In middle school, well let’s be honest, we’re so mortified of our faces and bodies we don’t know what the hell is going on. Something about being yourself and the usual clichés might worm their way into our brains, but they’re gone as soon as we spot that super cute 8th grader. You remember.
    Then it’s time for high school. And my God, no one warns you of that Hell.
    It’s not the best years of anyone’s life. And honestly, whoever decided that needs to be shot. So much indecision and pressure and stress and we’re expected to learn how to have our own opinions and find ways to back them up? Whoa there, you need to slow down.
    We lose our creativity. And that’s where I am. Coming to college was supposed to be my escape from the lima-losers that pissed me off. But it’s not. College is exactly like high school. Just more expensive and lonely. I know it’s a chance to restart and begin anew, or whatever. But honestly, I feel like I’m losing myself. I haven’t found what I’m looking for yet. And that’s why my writing is so cynical and bitter.
    But hey, at least I don’t use insane synonyms.
    That’s something right?

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  17. I love an adventure. When someone asks "what is a word to describe you?" I like to say "outgoing" or "adventurous." Adventure is one of my favorite words. I was always the one to run ahead of the group…riding ahead of my family on our Sunday afternoon bike trail rides (by ahead, well, as far as my little nine-year-old legs could take me before I found myself keeling over), trying the new arm-sock trend before the other girls thought they were cool in middle school, leaving the only girl I knew on that first day of high school because she wanted to stay in the back of the line and I wanted to move as close to the front as possible so I could see what was in store for us, and being one of only nine kids in my senior class of 176 to go out of state (and one of about three going more than 900 miles away), to a school where I knew no one, and couldn't stop smiling at the thought. A new experience…a new adventure…the mere thought of it has always been attractive to me. I love my adventurous spirit. It defines a huge part of my personality.
    …And then people ask me why. Why do I put myself out there so much? Why can't you just stay inside for a movie instead of wanting to go out and drive around looking for somewhere to stargaze? What do you mean you want to go on a 'hike,' we're at the public park you fool. Why MUST you bike so far ahead of us so that you can see the pond first, it's not THAT big of a deal. Then I think, why question it? How can you not love it? But I'll humor the question.
    Okay then, why the search for adventure? Is it the rush? The excitement of discovery? The search for a happy ending? Well, why can't it be just to have simple pleasures? To find something beautiful in God's creation and love it? To experience something new that brings us closer to loving life even more, and appreciating the gifts that these experiences are? Life is too short to not have experiences that make your heart swell. I love these occurrences that make me simply want to bottle them up and save them for a rainy day. I'm an extrovert that simply cannot understand how one can just sit by the shore and not even consider testing the water, much less diving right in. Take on the adventure. Love the experience. Accept the opportunities life gives you. They're all beautiful.
    I'll take on the adventure of blogging. It's a fantastic opportunity to express myself and all I have to offer, and perhaps discover myself offering a thing or two I didn't know I had. I've made it this far, from the bike trail with the family to Auburn, Alabama. Now let's make this happen. War Eagle, and hats off to the road ahead.

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  19. I am just an ordinary girl that does what she is told. It is hard for me to think out of the box and it is hard for me to use personality in my writing. I wish I was an amazing writer because I do enjoy writing and I think it is fun, but when I get back a paper that I think I did amazing on and then my grade just shows that it sucked my motivation for writing really just goes down the drain. I have never really been a person to stand up to people. I guess im just too nice. I wouldn’t say that I let people just walk all over me…but sometimes it happens. I wish that was different. I guess in reality I wish that a lot of things were different. But things happen and everything is the way it is for a reason. Reality is hard to explain. Every ones reality is different and my reality is hard for even me to comprehend sometimes. I know that I am just rambling on but this is my first blog…what can I say…maybe they will get better.

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  20. I have a heart, a big one for that matter and I am passionate about everything I choose to invest myself in. To you, this seems like a good quality to possess, a really good quality-find something you love and hold onto it forever, right? Unfortunately I have come to find, this is my biggest strength and weakness, this quality shapes me and breaks me. It’s my purest joy and worst enemy. In the past 6 months it has left me more heartbroken than I could have ever even imagined. I had the same friends for thirteen years-my best friend was in my kindergarten class. I invested. I poured. I gave my best friends a part of my heart for thirteen years.
    I am so close to my family, my dad is my role model and my mom is my best friend. I invested, I poured. My family will always have a major part of my heart.
    I dated the same guy for three years, once again investing and pouring my emotions into something so very beautiful. I don’t care what you say about 15 year olds in love, we were young and truly in love. Then August 4th came and I was suddenly hit with the realization that this was all over. I had to move 800 miles away from people who all had different parts my heart. I had invested and poured into certain people for so long, loving them the best way I knew how and now it was simply all over.
    Unfortunately this isn’t the worst of it. As much of my heart as my best friends, family and x-boyfriend had, I can honestly say that this summer, Africa captured the entirety of my heart. You see, I went to Africa this summer fully intending to share God’s love with broken orphans. I knew I was going to change and impact so many kids’ lives and make a difference. But, my precious girls had more of an impact on me than I probably had on them. I could write pages and pages about the things I saw there and the experiences I went through. But honestly it comes down to this, a simple concept. Joy. They taught me to have joy even when my heart is breaking and even when I feel like I have nothing-because compared to them I have everything. I wake up every day with my nine girls on my mind. Nancy, Chikondi, Christine K., Christine M., Christine P., Mildred, Taonga, Natasha and Alice. Oh how my heart hurts and aches just to hold them in my arms again. How my heart longs to wipe away their tears when they tell me they are beaten daily and simply show them that I love them. My nine girls have my heart. I would give up anything, my friends, my family, anything, just to be with them again. This summer, God broke my heart for what breaks His. Now, I am left with a broken heart, just praying my girls would find love in their day-to-day lives. Coming to auburn, it is those girls I have missed so much more than anyone I left behind at home. My heart is with my girls in Africa and I’m counting down the days until they are back in my arms. So that’s my warrant, that’s who I am. This is my best and worst quality-I’m broken constantly, but I’m healed daily because love honestly conquers all. As much as it hurts, I wouldn’t trade loving these people for anything in the world. So break me.

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  21. Writing has always been an interesting subject to me. Sometimes I love writing papers. If I’m passionate about the subject of the paper, words will flow out of me easily. I can’t say enough or write enough until I feel like my emotions really get on paper. Everyone should experience raw writing because there really isn’t anything better. However, it is rare in highschool and college to really get a chance, and if there is one thing I believe, It’s that life is a game of chance and you should take advantage of every opportunity available.
    I say this because on Thanksgiving every year my family always goes to visit the cemetery where my Moms-Mom and little brother are buried. I never met either of them. Scott (my would be 14 year old brother now) died in my Mom’s stomach at seven months. He was almost fully developed, and if he had been born alive there would have been enough medical advancements available at that time that he would have made it, and he would be a big part of my life today. It’s so confusing to me how some people just never gave a chance. Why do people die young? Why don’t they get a fair chance like everyone else? Looking over my brothers grave I prayed that God would give me the courage to take advantage of every chance I’ve been given. My reality is driven by “the purpose in life is to have a purpose”.

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  22. I remember the first time I really saw the campus. It was a sticky summer morning, the kind where the humidity hangs on you like a hot, damp towel. As I walked around, temporarily relieved by the brief shade offered by trees older than I, I couldn’t help but fall in love. Everything I saw was beautiful. The campus was cloaked in tradition and history, each building and structure telling a different story, adding another color to the beauty of the portrait. From the great civil war lathe, where many a relationship has been tested for loyalty (all passed with flying colors I’m sure, everyone knows an auburn woman is always faithful) to the seal which everyone avoids like the bubonic plague. I soaked in the tradition, loving every minute of it. Yet nothing enthralled me more than the tall oak trees at the corner of Magnolia and College. Standing under the great Toomer’s trees, I could almost feel the history that had taken place.

    To me, Auburn is more than just a college. Auburn is an idea. It is the notion that no matter what, we are a family. Like a real family, we have disagreements and may not treat each other very well all the time, however; when it comes down to it, we pull together in support for one another.

    As in all families, a time will come when you will be tested, tested to your very core. For the Auburn family, that time came when an overzealous man attempted to destroy our most precious possession. He dared to poison the very thing which had several months earlier brought me joy. When I heard the news, I was crushed. I would never have the opportunity to roll those great trees as a college freshman. My children would never play in the toilet paper. They wouldn’t roll each other up like mummies, or sit on their father’s shoulders and toss roll after roll into the trees.

    He had ruined it.

    Or so I thought. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that while the trees had been destroyed, the spirit of Auburn had not. That was something no one could ever take from us. Auburn is more than just our traditions. It is the willingness to work, to give back, and to genuinely care which defines us. Updyke had failed. His attempt to break auburn had failed. By destroying what we had loved so dearly, he brought us closer together, and ensured that no matter what, the tradition would carry on. Because someone once told me, the last thing a tree does before it dies, is to shoot a new seed into the ground. The last thing a tree does in its life is create.

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  23. Sister_friend: Your post on music is very connectable for me. Music is an escape for many of us and how we can express ourselves. I know that my favorite music is what I turn to when I am down or just need a "healer." Music heals. "Singing" into your writing is a lot harder. It can heal also.. just differently.

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  24. Between my hands lies a discolored lotus flower
    A hope for rebirth and a manifestation of sickness

    It first emerged in stellar fashion; she is the music of the hour
    Its promises were unfulfilling, the roads short and fruitless
    Just one bite, she says, the feeling is bliss
    The feeling was bliss. But it was the devil's kiss
    The bliss quickly fades; the sweetness has withered
    Anguished and forlorn, its beauty gone to the shitter.

    "You tricked me!" I shout, "don't come near!"
    Anger ensues in me, one in which I am not familiar
    So I run to the west where nobody can find me.
    The direction was wrong; I am now in depression.

    I say it's the blues. Hey, no need to worry
    Pretending the smiles, I am trapped in desolation.
    While my image goes one road, and I the other,
    I grow weary with the load; I am lost in my brother

    I ask, "How can I see my friends and family again?"
    The reply was this – a bloody seal and a pen.

    I need to go back. I know He'll take me back!
    My brother says no, he tells me what I lack...
    But if I come to the truth and turn you in,
    Won’t you die and I'll make myself fit?
    "Don't be ridiculous, you worthless piece of shit."

    Time goes by, I let my brother progress
    Plunging into darkness, and further I regress.
    I know it's not right, but I grasp that pen
    It's the solve-all-problems, a sin I cannot repent


    "It's time for a healing." The message was cried.

    ...

    ...



    A sprint for the east where the light shines bright
    Only to be drifted away by the wind like a kite
    The shards of glass are licked in green
    He stabs me repeatedly, that relentless fiend

    Gasping for air, I am running from the darkness
    I need His help, because the pen follows me closely

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  25. When you truly love someone it changes you. It permeates your thoughts, your actions, your words, your life. It can define you, mold you, and hold a piece of you forever. I was never comfortable with completely and unashamedly expressing my love for anyone, even my own family. And don’t get me wrong, I have a big heart. Sometimes too big. But I would never let anyone see past my smiling façade into the depths of my heart. When people describe me, I can assure you that they will never use the term “rebel”, “adventurous”, or anything of the sort. Since birth (it feels like), I have been the straight-laced student in the front of the classroom who obeys every command given to her and does it with a smile on her face. Never once out of line, never speaking out of turn, never letting people know how she really felt. Once you have built a reputation like this for yourself it is hard to shake. It feels as if every single imperfection you have is amplified 100 times over when you make even the slightest mistake. People expect so much. I could never give enough. That is why I was never comfortable being my true self and committing one hundred percent to anything I did. I never pushed or challenged myself in any way for one simple reason: fear.
    This all changed as I took my first steps into the sweltering heat of Succotz, Belize with one goal: to show these people the “love” of Jesus. I thought I knew what this meant. Yes I had accepted Him as my Savior, but had I ever really truly loved Him? Had I ever pushed myself out of my comfort zone to spread His love? No. In my mind, this was my chance to change lives. Let me assure you, my life was the one that was changed the most. On the first night, one of the group leaders looked me dead in the eye and delivered what I believed to be the most dreadful news I had ever heard. I was going to stand up in front of a 100-person congregation and share my faith journey with them. I was immediately gripped by an overwhelming sense of fear. No. I can’t do it. There’s no way. He pleaded with me to do this, and I finally gave in. I stood up with trembling knees and shaky voice to deliver my message to the people of Belize. They looked up with eyes fixed on me as I started to speak. I took a deep breath and began. The nerves went away, my mind was clear, and I felt as though I could go on forever. I realized that because I decided to give this outward expression of love, He granted me serenity and peace.
    This marked the beginning of the new me. A girl who was no longer held captive by fear of judgment or inadequacy. Starting in the place where I thought I would come out unmoved and unaffected, my life took an amazing turn. In everything I did, I was all in. I love without trepidation. I feel without a worry in the world. I am free to be me. This is who I am.

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  26. Now that I’ve gotten a hold of this blogging thing, I am ready to write something real:

    It was only hours before my 9th birthday when the lightning struck. I watched my house burn, burn to the ground while I stood in the rain in disbelief and shock. The preceding sound of thunder, like bombs, shook the house making me jump out of my chair. We laughed nervously at the scene straight out of a horror movie. Until we saw the smoke billowing from the rooftop surrounding us in a thick, dense fog. We rushed outside to see the damage done to our beautiful home and our worst fears were right in front of us. It started to rain; the hard, cold raindrops indistinguishable from our tears. That night I watched my house change from a loving home to an uninhabitable pile of ruble, soot and smoke. I will never forget the smell of smoke, burnt rotting wood and dust that never truly was taken out of the clothes and furniture. To this day that smell brings back memories of an unforgettable summer.

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  27. @stewie_griffin I have to disagree. There are plenty of subjects I am passionate about and have written about, but no matter how much I want to write an amazing and creative paper, I just can't do it. Not every can write a beautiful novel, and to be frank, I'm not sure I would want to live in a world where that were true. If everyone can find that talent within themselves, then are we even talented at all?
    Take this how you will, but I just can't believe creativity is something we are all inherently blessed with. Some people are born writers, some people learn to be great writers, but not everyone is so lucky, no matter how passionate they feel about a particular subject.

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  28. I’m with Jess on this one. We seem to have the same problem, if not then one similar.

    We all grow up being taught how to write but some people seem to be born with the god given talent of writing. Unfortunately I was not blessed with that talent; I find myself sitting on my couch staring at a blank screen for hours not even remotely knowing where to even begin. Other people can type a paper and not even stop to think about what they are even talking about.

    This is my first time ever blogging so I am having a little bit of trouble figuring it out but after reading all of the blogs that you guys have written I am beginning to find it pretty fun. I like the fact that you can speak your mind, nobody should be ridiculed upon their writing. Some (myself included) have trouble being able to express themself through writing. I for example have difficulties trying to create a picture for the reader in my writing, it is burdensome for me to even try to describe anything vividly. It is even more painful for me to think of anything to write about. I usually just find myself rambling on about a topic and end up going to the writing center for help.

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  29. Well, it's that time of the year folks - Christmas. Oh joy, bring me happiness and an everlasting supply of eggnog to forever cherish these moments as an unforgettable piece of memory tacked on a postcard for the relatives to see! Actually... not exactly my type of Christmas.

    Whether it's the gifts, family reunions, the holiday spirit, or what have you, everyone seems to have their own fixations during the Christmas holidays. Sure, gifts are awesome and everything. Completely understand. But wait until you're ABSOLUTELY convinced of receiving that iPhone 6 you've been eyeing since Steve Jobs's death, only to have your mom and dad smite you down with a book on how to be a better college student.

    ... I hate my life

    Good news! Even if you got a lump of coals from Mr. Santa for knocking up your best friend's wife at that cocktail party you should have never been to, there's even a gift for you. Snow! (I assume no responsibility for those who get their hopes up and it doesn't snow this year.. knock on wood)

    I can't think of anything else that spurts in me such a feeling of happiness and excitement like the sight of snow does. Seriously, doesn't snow just make you really happy for no reason at all?

    Well if it doesn't, not to worry! Because if the sight of snow does you no justice in moving your anchored, rotten soul, why not try flying down its surface at 35 mph? If that doesn't get your blood pumping, then a) you are a BA and therefore have no fear, or b) you have a case of cardiac ischemia.

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  30. Goose, sorry your child hood home burned down, but that was a pretty sweet way to describe the result!

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  31. Sanity, I love your Christmas blog! This is defiantly my favorite time of the year and I am so glad someone else loves it as much as me!

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  32. I think a lot to myself. And I keep it to myself. I'm not some sociopath or something selfish, but i enjoy thinking. I enjoy planning events in my head that never come together, knowing they will not. I like putting myself in imaginational situations and ending saving the world from destruction and winning the girl. Kind of like a superhero, but not really. I like the peace and serenity. I like repetition. Things always go as planned when I think. Nothing is hurt and nobody know, and things just feel right.


    I'm 19, but a kid. I am typical, but exotic. I am me, but with a twist. I always feel. Nothing is critically panned. I make myself run wild, but stay contained. I am a rap star, a hero, and everyone's favorite friend.

    All I have to do is daydream, and I can find a place where I can do my dancing.


    This song is a really great feel good song.

    Death Cab for Cutie- Crooked Teeth
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ar1_tEg4Nxs&ob=av3e

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  33. I believe it was the spring of my sophomore year in high school... yes, it had to be, it was spring break. If anywhere else on earth, it would have been your regular old week night - bland, uneventful, and filled with your favorite televised talent show with your not-so-favorite British judge. But I wasn't anywhere else on earth - I was strolling the streets of Manhattan. Midtown to be precise - 315 West 44th St to be even more particular. An address, that to many, means absolutely zilch, but, to others may as well be one of the seven wonders of the world. 315 West 44th St is the address for Birdland, one of the world's premier jazz clubs and, for those fond of the art, a Mecca of sorts. For a little background, I happened to spend my teenage years living in Jacksonville, FL, which oddly enough happens to be a pretty jazz-happening place. The University of North Florida showcases one of the more prestigious jazz programs in the nation and its influence is felt in every little nook and cranny across town. My middle school band director happened to be a product of the aforementioned school and was keen on spreading his love of jazz to his many students. I suppose I picked it up pretty quickly around the 7th grade and casually pursued it until my sophomore year of high school. It was then that it hit me like a whirlwind. My love became an obsession and I would lock myself away and listen to my heroes while pretending that I could play it all. I longed to enjoy it first hand, not on some grand stage in a large theater, but in it's natural habitat - a smoky, dimly lit club with scotch and cigar in hand.

    Fortunately for me, that was the year our family had planned to visit New York City. My parents had always been very supportive of my passion for jazz and it was immediately decided that we would find us some around town. The venue however was a no-brainer. There are a few venues around the world that are a must see, and Birdland was at the top of that list. Named after Charlie "Bird" Parker, (Arguably the greatest saxophonist in history, he is credited for revolutionizing chord structure and inventing modern jazz) it has played host to the biggest names in jazz over the past 7 decades. (I could go forever, but I'll try and actually get to the point sometime in the next century).

    It was our third night in town and we had conjured tickets to see Joe Lovano and Hank Jones (Joe Lovano being one of the most prolific tenor sax players in modern jazz and the now late Hank Jones being a 97 year old piano master). It was wet outside, not rainy, just extremely damp (Being my first time in New York City, that wasn't all together a bad thing as it is quite beautiful and makes one feel like they're in a movie). The sidewalks glistened and the street lights reflected off the wet pavement and cast shadows of people walking across the eclectic Harlem architecture. As I drew near, the reflections of the neon birds synonymous with Birdland appeared in the wet ground and and bright pinks and blues were cast across the street. It was dripping with New York City flair and class. An attendee wearing black from head to toe awaited us at the entrance to take our coats and our hostess lead us on, past the photographs of legends, to our seats. A bowl of jambalaya and four bottles of San Pellegrino later, the show was beginning, The red velvet curtains parted and what played out was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. That moment has become one of my fondest memories, and in more ways than one, come to define me.

    The first thing that came to mind to write was this. Jazz is an integral part of my life and I could write for days on it. It's just a shame that there wasn't a paper due for which I could write about jazz on. Damn that was a weird sentence. I suppose that's a good note to end on.

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